How many times have you been in a situation where you see a fellow runner with a spectacular ass and you want to stare at it long enough to commit it to memory? Male or female, odds are good you’ve been in this situation. Shit, this was a major reason I spent so many years dong this stupid sport!
Those of you that know me are probably thinking “Wow, that’s a douchey thing to say… you’re married!” My response- “I don’t think you’ve met my wife. Where do you think I learned these skills?”
Anyway, the most obvious answer is to openly and blatantly stare. The problem- it’s exceptionally creepy. And many runners are armed with pepper spray. Unless you happen to be hot. n that case, you can stare as much as you’d like. Hell, you could probably smack their ass and they’ll take it as a compliment. Beauty always gets a free pass.
For the rest of us ugly folks, we have to play it cool. I’m going to describe one situation involving specific genders, but they are interchangeable. Males oogling females isn’t much different than any other combination, which includes those with ambiguous genders. Mix and match as you see fit.
We’ll assume you want to oogle their ass for at least a mile or so.
Scenario #1: You’re running along at a particular pace and a faster runner passes. If you do nothing, they will soon be out of sight.
Once option is to just run faster. However, you may expend too much energy, blow up, and be forced to drop out of the race. If it’s a really good ass, this may be acceptable. Let’s say it’s just a “good” ass, though.
The best strategy is to get them to slow down. Pretend to be struggling and ask them if you could run with them for a bit to get through the low. It usually helps to compliment them first. Say something like “Wow, you’re really looking strong!” Or compliment their outfit. “That shirt is awesome, where did you buy it?” By developing a bit of rapport, they’ll be likely to “pace” you for awhile. To keep them ahead, slow your pace a bit and tell them you don’t want to slow them down too much. They’ll feel good about helping, but won’t have as much cognitive dissonance about slowing their own pace.
Scenario #2: You’re running at your preferred pace and you approach a slower runner with a great ass.
This one is easier. You can simply slow your pace to match theirs. Ideally, stay 20-25 feet behind them. If you get too close, they may do the courteous thing and allow you to pass. If you get too far, the view isn’t great.
Scenario #3: You’re about to leave an aid station as someone with a great ass comes in.
The key here is to kill time in an inconspicuous way. I always like fiddling with my shoes. Untie them, then retie them. Make it seem like you’re trying to get the perfect fit. If it seems like they’ll be there for awhile, you can always take the shoe off to empty imaginary rocks. For realism, you can do some sleight of hand and scoop up a handful of dirt, then make it appear as though the dirt s coming from your shoe when dumping. It all depends on your commitment to the theatrics.
Scenario #4: You’re entering an aid station as a hot-assed individual is leaving.
As you come in, act like you’re frantically hurrying. Yell “I’m on pace for a PR!” and grab a handful of something. Sloppily pound a cup of water. Avoid sports drinks… they’re too sticky.
Scenario #5: You approach a runner with a great ass stopped by the side of the trail.
Odds are good they stopped for a reason. Stop and ask if they need help. Offer them anything you have. Unless they’re in serious medical trouble, encourage them to continue on. Tell them you’ll run with them, and since they were the one struggling, you’ll let them set the pace. Since you are temporarily “pacing” them, keep the distance between 8-12 feet.
Scenario #6: You step off the trail to drop a deuce. After you finish and head back to the trail, a runner with a great ass approaches.
This depends on their experience level. If it’s a trail race and they look like they’ve been doing this for more than six months, pooping is an entirely valid topic of conversation. Just fall in behind them and begin talking bowels.
If they appear to be new OR it’s a road race, they’ll likely be mortified you were shitting outside a porta-potty. Use some other dumb excuse, like “I dropped my dog’s leash and he ran off” or other such nonsense. You can then follow this up with “I’m going to keep running, but would you mind keeping your eyes open for [insert ridiculous pet name]. He’s a [insert obscure dog breed].” Again, tell them you don’t want to slow them down so you’ll let them go first. Call out your imaginary dog’s name every few minutes.
This covers most of the likely scenarios. There are a few good rules to follow, also:
- Sunglasses are your friend. If it’s daylight, wear them. In the event they turn unexpectedly, they won’t see your eyes mesmerized by their ass.
- At night, wear a headlamp to go with a handheld. Use the handheld for actual navigation. Angle the headlamp slightly higher than your field of vision. If you’re staring at their ass and they look back, they’ll be blinded by the headlamp and won’t see exactly where your eyes are focused.
- Have an excuse ready. If you are caught, you can say something like “You have some dirt on the back of your thigh.” Since it’s hard to tell exactly where you were looking, the thigh is more socially acceptable than the ass. If you’re somewhat knowledgeable, you can comment about their running gait. A good standby is to suggest their strides are a little too long.
- Be aware of angles and other people. It’s pretty obvious when someone s staring at another person’s ass. If there’s anyone else around, put yourself in a position where you’ll be out of their field of vision.
- When appropriate, use lizard eyes. Use your peripheral vision instead of staring directly. This is a great skill to develop, especially when combined with…
- Don’t aggressively look away if caught. That’s a HUGE tell-tale sign you’ve been caught. Instead, simply focus on something beyond the great ass and keep staring at it.
There you have it- a quick, concise ass-lover’s guide for runners.
Readers- do you have any tips? How about stories? Ever been caught staring at another runner’s ass? Have you ever caught someone staring at YOUR ass? Share in the comments section!