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Shorts Over Tights: We Need a Constitutional Amendment Banning the Practice

Posted by on Aug 15, 2013 | 11 Comments

I’ve been experiencing a bit of writer’s block lately. In an effort to get out of the funk, I asked my Facebook friends to give me some topics that might be interesting. There were many good submissions, but one elicited an immediate emotional response:

Runners that wear running shorts over tights.

Or “shtights”, if you will.

Thank you Cesar Torres! I’ve been wanting to rant about this topic for some time.

THIS IS THE GREATEST FASHION CRIME A RUNNER CAN COMMIT!

I simply cannot fathom how a runner can get dressed, look in a mirror, and think “Oh, yeah. This look is fucking awesome!”

I would fully support hiring bands of thugs to stand at random places along race routes to enforce the “NO SHTIGHTS” look. If an offender approached, they would drag them into the bushes and donkey punch them repeatedly. If it meant raising entry fees by a few bucks, the rest of us would gladly pay.

I know some of you are frequent offenders, and probably have an elaborate rationale for looking like a damn fool. Some of the more common excuses are:

  • I don’t like how my ass looks in tights.
  • I don’t want my junk to freeze.
  • Cameltoe.
  • I have a huge cock and I feel self-conscious.

All of these issues have to do with being overly self-conscious. To that I say “Toughen the fuck up.” All of us are beautiful. Some will agree. Some won’t. Don’t waste your life worrying about those that don’t see how beautiful you are. Modesty has no place n the running world.

  • Got a not-too-aesthetically-pleasing ass? Nonsense. You can never go wrong with asses. Well, except girls with asses that resemble eight year old boys. You need to start a deadlifting routine yesterday.
  • Worried about making a dicksickle? Try wind briefs. Or a piece of saran wrap. Or a sock.
  • Cameltoe? Like asses, you can never go wrong with visible labia.
  • Dirk Diggler clone? Be proud of that shit, man. Revel in making us normal dudes feel inadequate.

Rock the tights; leave the shorts at home.

What do you think? Have you ever rocked this look? Have you ever made fun of someone else that has?

Leave a comment!

And if the owner of that pic happens to read this, I offer this half-hearted non-apology: I’m sorry you may get upset for committing this fashion disaster.  Honestly, I’m guessing you have a fabulous ass. You need to show that shit off.

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11 Comments

  1. Ben
    August 28, 2013

    Us Nordic skiers use plastic bags to combat junk freezing. They work

  2. Rob Y
    August 19, 2013

    There’s an easier solution: running pants. I own a few. All the benefits of tights but looser fitting and all have a few pockets. No need for tights anymore.

  3. Walter
    August 17, 2013

    Oh weel, count me as a criminal. When it is 35 F or less, my junk is warm, I have pockets for stuff, and I am not bulging down the trail. No need to see what I got, and frankly I care not what other people think, see or do.
    I imagine the next post will dictate that apparel and shoes must be same brand, or colors must coordinate.
    I get this is a joke post, but really F?ck it….just run. Run in sweats, with leg Warner’s from eights, or shorts and tube socks, with headband.

  4. Felipe
    August 16, 2013

    Wait . . wait . . . wait . . .
    You have given a glowing review on a Sport Kilt and I purchased one and LOVED it for comforts sake. And you’re complaining about “shtights”???

    By the time we’re done running, we do not look pretty . . . at least I don’t. I, myself, wouldn’t wear “shtights” or tights for that matter. I do wear shorts. For longer (for me) runs, the Sport Kilt.

    Being “big boned”, I don’t “rock” any type of running fashion. I just need to get out there and have fun.

    Love the blog, btw. You’re the shiz!

  5. Damien Tougas
    August 16, 2013

    I do it sometimes, I am not ashamed, and the reasons and conditions vary. I don’t think silly rules like this should exist, simply because there are situations where this combo actually really makes sense from a functional standpoint.

    But, for all I know, this could just be another one of your artful trolling posts :-)

    • Aaron R.
      August 21, 2013

      Damien, you might want to check the rules, but I am pretty sure schtights are banned on parts of the Appalachian Trail, especially in the southern states. CT and Massachusetts are more liberal about things like this. I don’t want you and your family to encounter any issues.

  6. Cesar
    August 15, 2013

    Jason, I am glad we are moving toward a more just society where people do not commit this crime! Glad to help

  7. Andy
    August 15, 2013

    Don’t care what others think…if it’s cold (and I mean really, really cold) I wear tights, with no pockets. So then I throw almost non-existent shorts with pockets over them. You’ll live, and yes, I’m quite happy with my ass AND my junk.

  8. Bryan
    August 15, 2013

    I just wear shorts or pants. My time in tights in my entire running career lasted about 4min and .5 miles. I turned around and took them off, never to see them again.

    And yes, that goes for Winter, too.

  9. Jeff Browning
    August 15, 2013

    Since most companies don’t make good pocketed tights, this is the main reason I put running shorts over tights during long runs. Functionality for gel and gear storage so I don’t have to carry a pack. Also it helps cut wind burn on your junk when your in the mountains on a ridge line and 40 mph gusts are cutting you to the core. I say get over it people. If you think wearing tights alone is better, think again. Have you seen most folks in tights? Whoah, now that’s a crime. My two cents.

    Giddyup.

    -Bronco Billy

  10. Andrew
    August 15, 2013

    I didn’t know people felt so strongly about this issue. I didn’t even know this was an issue. I promise to never do this again. Actually, I don’t. Most of my life is probably a fashion crime anyway. I’ve even worn two pairs of shorts over tights when it was really cold. I love my junk.