I’ve been experiencing a bit of writer’s block lately. In an effort to get out of the funk, I asked my Facebook friends to give me some topics that might be interesting. There were many good submissions, but one elicited an immediate emotional response:
Runners that wear running shorts over tights.
Or “shtights”, if you will.
Thank you Cesar Torres! I’ve been wanting to rant about this topic for some time.
THIS IS THE GREATEST FASHION CRIME A RUNNER CAN COMMIT!
I simply cannot fathom how a runner can get dressed, look in a mirror, and think “Oh, yeah. This look is fucking awesome!”
I would fully support hiring bands of thugs to stand at random places along race routes to enforce the “NO SHTIGHTS” look. If an offender approached, they would drag them into the bushes and donkey punch them repeatedly. If it meant raising entry fees by a few bucks, the rest of us would gladly pay.
I know some of you are frequent offenders, and probably have an elaborate rationale for looking like a damn fool. Some of the more common excuses are:
- I don’t like how my ass looks in tights.
- I don’t want my junk to freeze.
- I have a huge cock and I feel self-conscious.
All of these issues have to do with being overly self-conscious. To that I say “Toughen the fuck up.” All of us are beautiful. Some will agree. Some won’t. Don’t waste your life worrying about those that don’t see how beautiful you are. Modesty has no place n the running world.
- Got a not-too-aesthetically-pleasing ass? Nonsense. You can never go wrong with asses. Well, except girls with asses that resemble eight year old boys. You need to start a deadlifting routine yesterday.
- Worried about making a dicksickle? Try wind briefs. Or a piece of saran wrap. Or a sock.
- Cameltoe? Like asses, you can never go wrong with visible labia.
- Dirk Diggler clone? Be proud of that shit, man. Revel in making us normal dudes feel inadequate.
Rock the tights; leave the shorts at home.
What do you think? Have you ever rocked this look? Have you ever made fun of someone else that has?
Leave a comment!
And if the owner of that pic happens to read this, I offer this half-hearted non-apology: I’m sorry you may get upset for committing this fashion disaster. Honestly, I’m guessing you have a fabulous ass. You need to show that shit off.